Doctor Woof: The Time Dog
by Akktri
Summary: <html><head></head>The amazing (but slightly slobbery) adventures of a time traveling canine from planet Howlifrey.</html>
1. Chapter 1: The Kennel

This story will probably never be read, due to it being filed under the letter W and being buried under a mountain of depressingly similar documents in the Howlifreynian Archive.

Other than an occasional bored glance by a dispassionate Modarchivist or two every millenia or so, this account will likely fade into obscurity, leaving a life forgotten and my despair complete.

Upon the highly unlikely event of you not being a lifeless uncaring sod, I would beg you to listen to my final plea:

SEND HELP.

I have been imprisoned in The Kennel.

They used to call it `The Matrix', but then people kept getting confused, making jokes about Agent Smith and Kung Fu.

The Kennel isn't anything that cool. It's basically just a prison for your consciousness, pure and simple.

Unlike that interesting movie, there's no grand illusion to fool you into expending energy, no food, no ladies in red dresses. The Kennel is only a filing system for the consciousness of criminals, or, in my case, the wrongly accused.

Me.

Doctor Woof.

A criminal.

The Universe's Best Friend.

Two time winner of the Best Perm Worn by a Space Traveler award.

And I get locked in _here_.

In the Kennel, everything that makes you `you' is put on a paper thin document slide and placed in a flat drawer like layouts on some abandoned advertising account. "Have you driven a Doctor Woof lately."

There's nothing particularly fun to do in here besides floating around amid a crisscrossed spider's web of energy beams.

Yeah, I guess with this package of jerky and honey barbecue basted dog biscuits I could be okay in here for a few days, but eventually my body will wear out and starve to death and I'll be trapped in here forever.

By now, the enemy has more than likely possessed the bodies of all ten Alpha Time Dogs on the Howlifreynian Council, while the others rest easy in their high rise skyscraper bones, gnawing on luxury treats and (slurp) yummy turkey legs, unaware of the great evil going on right beneath their muzzles.

I must get to the TARBONE, my spaceship. I must stop this evil before it's too late!

There's only one way out of here.

I need you to clear your mind of everything, and think of a door.

A doggy door. One large enough for me to squeeze through.

A small door with a rubberized flap on it, with enough room for my tail, my hat, and my long colorful scarf.

Grab anyone you can, a friend, a stranger sitting next to you, and tell them to focus on thinking about a door as well.

And notify everyone on the Howlifreynian High Council that they're all in grave danger.

Oh, if only someone other than the lazy useless Modarchivists could find this!

If you are already thinking of a dog door, I need you to make it connect to the outside world.

The simple entry of a code in the box at the end of this document could help immensely.

Just type in 06834500714, your pet's birthday, or any old number you've randomly discovered on the bottom of your cereal box at breakfast, and click `Submit Comments', which is Time Dog secret code for System Reset.

With any luck, the numbers will scramble the Matrix, er, _Kennel's_ Numberical Data System, short circuiting the mainframe and allowing my consciousness to cross the barrier.


	2. Chapter 2: Howlifrey Immigrant

Hampered by temporal distortions, my words will probably arrive to you a month later than intended. I'll explain later.

Still inside The Kennel, I felt my mind slowly going to mush, as Kennel prisoners tend to do.

My plan to overload the system board with comments fell through. Nobody typed in any numbers, but I felt a thought wave being sent from someone far away, someone that I hoped could let me out of the Kennel, and do something really serious.

When I started wondering whether the Honey Nut Cheerios bee had a girlfriend, I knew I was sliding into the abyss, and soon I would be unraveling the plot to CHiPS.

"Please!" I cried with desperation. "Someone! Help me out of here!"

Of course, the only one that answered me was Doctor Woof.

"You're an idiot," I and he said to myself simultaneously, to which I in turn snapped, "And what are the supporting premisses for this assertion?"

"Rhetorical question?" said I.

"Rhetorical answer," I responded.

Before this argument could develop any further, the gray bearded face of a Scottish Howlifreynian Terrier appeared before me, an illusion, no doubt, created by a Kennel operator with Delta Time Dog credentials.

Gold skullcap squished between lumpy little ears. Fan collar with a fire hydrant tag. Clearly a Delta on a Beta track.

"This is DTD agent Howlifrey Immigrant," the face said. "I am looking for Fifi Woof."

The voice sounded oddly feminine for a bearded face, but that was par for the course coming from a Scottie, especially here in the Kennel where nothing is what it seems.

And Howlifrey Immigrant. What kind of name was _that_? Being a foreigner generally isn't something one brags about. _Generally_.

Since I failed to respond quickly, she repeated herself. "This is agent Howlifrey Immigrant! Request contact with Fifi Woof!"

Fifi Woof. I despised that name.

"There's no Fifi here!" I yelled. "I am _Doctor_ Woof! Doctor!"

The face frowned. "Terribly sorry, sir. I must have opened the wrong file." And she started fading away.

"Okay okay!" I shouted. "I'm Fifi Woof! It's me! How can I help you? I'll tell you anything!"

The bearded face stared at me in disbelief. "You? A Fifi?"

She burst out laughing.

I just rolled my eyes, not amused in the least.

"You're...not joking."

I only sighed.

Howlifrey Immigrant cleared her throat, trying not to smirk. "Well, ahem no. We've got a little bit of a jam, and I thought you'd be the one to help."

"Jam?" I said, licking my muzzle. "Where?"

"Focus, Fifi."

"Doctor, please," I blurted.

Howlifrey Immigrant seemed to be genuinely confused. "I'm sorry?"

Not wanting to be stuck in The Kennel forever, I didn't press the matter. "Never mind," I groaned. "Just let me out."

"Patience, Mr. Woof. All in good time. Now, what do you know about Council Dog Grrrrrr?"

"What did you say?"

"What do you know about Council..."

"No, the last part."

"Grrrrrr?"

It seemed The Kennel had been taking its toll on my mind, for I replied with, "Well, if you're that uncertain about it, you shouldn't growl at all."

"Mr. Woof, you are trying my patience."

"I thought I was trying to get out of here."

"I thought so too. Now, Council Dog Grrrrrr..."

I still had no clue in what Howlifrey Immigrant was talking about, so I said, "I like that sound. Much more pleasant. Assertive, even."

"Are you going to waste my time with this game, or are you going to tell me about Alpha Time Dog Grrrrrr?"

"Which Alpha Time Dog, Ms. Immigrant? There's more than one! And stop growling."

"Must we continue this tiresome bit, or would you prefer to remain in The Kennel for all eternity?"

"If all you're going to do is growl at me, I suppose we'll have to continue, as you say."

"Fine then!" and H.I. began to fade.

All of a sudden, my mind broke free from The Kennel's clutches, and I was thinking clearly again. Weird, huh?

"Wait!" I cried. "You're not by chance referring to the one and only Council Dog Grrrrrr, fifth and eldest of all Alpha Time Dogs, are you? Head of the Howlifreynian Space Yachting League?"

Ms. H.I. reappeared. "Yes. That's the one. I'd use The Kennel to create a biscuit for you, but I hear they're flavorless."

"Tell me something I don't know," I muttered.

H.I., taking this as a question, said, "Council Dog Grrrrrr is missing. And so are a number of other Council Dogs. And the ones that remain are acting suspicious."

I furrowed my brow. "Suspicious? How?"

"Oh, nothing I could pinpoint, but their behavior seemed...off. More reckless than usual, perhaps. I've heard reports of increased toilet drinking and flea infestations."

My forehead wrinkled in worriment. "That's never good."

"You know, I never believed you stole the Frisbee of Forever."

The Frisbee of Forever is the source of Time Dog power. The object harnesses the power of a white hole to allow us to travel through time, space, and other relative dimensions. I was framed for its theft.

"Yes," I said. "I never believed it, either."

"I'm letting you out, so be a good dog," H.I. said.

I smirked. "Relax. I'm TARBONE trained."

She pushed some buttons, and I saw a flash as my consciousness and body was transferred into a darkened pet carrier with a glowing grid of laser beams serving as the door. Unlike the beams in The Kennel, these could actually hurt you if you touched them.

Through the bars, I could see a row of refrigerator sized machines. It took a lot of computing to put a Time Dog's consciousness into The Kennel, even with super, mega and semi-conductors.

I barked and shook the cage until I saw a bearded face leaning over the entrance.

"Really, Mr. Woof. You've been in The Kennel too long."

I whined in frustration.

"Now, Fifi, I'll let you out if you sit nice for me."

I did, and she opened the door.

"Good boy. Too bad I'm out of Time Dog Treats."

I climbed out, and after sniffing butts with my new friend, I stared at the room that held my prison.

In many ways, it resembled a television editing booth. A control board manipulated the energy beams, my position in limbo, chroma key, bass, treble and squelch. A computer nearby did...computery things, and, in addition to several more refrigerator looking things, there was...a refrigerator, one containing something that smelled good. I couldn't look inside because it needed either a CTD or BTD clearance to open, and I was a "bad dog."

Suddenly I noticed a Welsh Corgi watching me, one dressed in the blue robes of a Beta.

"Ah. Fifi Woof. Just the canine I wanted to see."

I sniffed with suspicion.

As I stared at this stranger, I watched with horror as he peeled off his head, revealing the face of a white cat with mismatched pink and purple eyes.

It was The Mauser, my sworn enemy!

"You!" I cried. "What are you doing here!"

He only laughed. "Ah Woof. How strange it is to form that word with my mouth. As for what I'm doing here..."

He pulled out a shiny black retractable leash with a small red collar attached. "We're going for a little walk."

Still under the effects of The Kennel, I jumped up and down with excitement. "A walk! Oh boy oh boy!"

You can take the Time out of a Time Dog, but you can't take out the Dog.

The Mauser laughed evilly as he lowered the collar around my head.

Only then did I realize I was in deep trouble.


	3. Chapter 3: Frisbee of Forever

The Mauser put his fake corgi head back on.

I wanted to go back to my TARBONE, my little home away from home. I had just purchased a copy of _Chicken Soup for the Time Traveler's Soul_, and I wanted to try the bean and bacon recipe on page 42. Instead I was being dragged through a gold corridor lined with leather sofas designed to look like pet beds.

As we passed them, Time dogs growled and fought each other over bones and squeaky toys in a most uncivilized manner. So fierce were their growls as they clamped it between their jaws that I thought they would kill each other. A few of them eyed me with suspicion, muttering as we passed.

Howlifrey Immigrant followed us closely behind, making me distrustful of her continued presence. Why was this terrier assisting the Mauser, and why was the Mauser assisting me? What did both or either have to gain from my freedom?

Okay, so not freedom per se, since I had a leash, but I at least wasn't in the Kennel.

Suddenly a blue Lhasa Apsa stepped in our way.

Sonicwood, head of the Dog Cellars winery!

"Where are you going with that prisoner," he growled.

"I am merely taking him on a walk," said the Mauser. "Don't want him dirtying up the Kennel, you know. I shall be replacing him forthwith."

This was clearly a lie, since our disembodied forms in the Kennel never need to use the loo, but Sonicwood nodded, and we walked quickly past him before he could remember that detail.

We passed another lounge, passing Council Dog Geogirl2014 as she rolled on the floor, back and forth, on a particularly smelly patch of scent.

"The behavior of your fellow Time Dogs is a bit suspicious today," the Mauser mumbled through his mask. "Don't you think?"

"Ruff," I said in response.

He suddenly rubbed himself up against a wall. "I am feeling the effects of this strange force myself. It seems that some...power is causing us to revert to a most primitive-" And then he meowed extremely loudly.

"Tsk tsk, Mauser," I said. "You betray your disguise with that most undoglike sound."

"Quiet fool! That's exactly the reason I let you out! This thing must be stopped!"

"But how?" I asked.

"I thought you were the dog of ideas."

I paused. "Let's run around the park!"

The Mauser frowned. "And how will that solve or problem?"

"I don't know, but it will be fun!"

The corgi head looked like it was frowning at me. "Seriously."

"There are many health benefits to exercise. Weight loss, regulation of digestion and blood flow, the stimulation of brain chemicals!"

He sighed, tugging on my leash. "Come. We must investigate this disturbance closer."

And he tugged me down a corridor where a pair of Time Dogs proved that they were not TARDIS or TARBONE trained, by...you don't want to hear that part, do you.

"You might be wondering why I am freeing you," the Mauser said in smug tones. "When it would be so much more (slurp) delicious to let you rot in the Kennel, wrongfully framed for the theft of the Frisbee of Forever."

"Not really," I said. "You already told me you were trying to stop-"

He waved his paw dismissively. "Yes, yes. But there is something more than just stopping the downgrading of our intelligences."

"Yeah?" I asked eagerly.

"The problem is, I wasn't the one who stole that Frisbee, which proves to be vastly more convenient for you than it is for me."

He tugged the leash hard, hurting my neck as it brought me to my feet.

"I detest inconvenience, Woof. The Cat Ship cannot travel anywhere without the Frisbee's power."

Gripping my neck, he shouted, "Where is the Frisbee, Woof! I must know!"

"I haven't the foggiest!" I cried. "I was in the Kennel!"

He jerked the leash. "Wrong answer!"

"It's true," I gasped.

He frowned, accepting this, but doing so angrily. "Where did you see it last!"

"In the Park!"

The Mauser hissed in fury, shaking me. "This is no time for jokes!"

"Mauser," I cried. "You know a powerful force like a white hole, even when limited by the frame of a Frisbee, can only be contained within an equally powerful field...one with really great hot dogs."

Now he understood.

"Oh," he breathed. "The Park!"

"Yes!" I said, wagging my tail as I thought about those hot dogs. "I'm surprised you didn't know."

"Well. I always assumed such a contrivance to harness the all powerful Frisbee, but..." He frowned. "Of course I knew! You can't travel centuries through space and time in a machine such as mine without knowing the basic principles of how it operates! I was only testing you!"

The Mauser did not lead me to the park. Instead, he dragged me down a long narrow triangular corridor, glancing back and forth to see if he had been observed.

"What are we doing, Mauser?" I asked. "This isn't the right way to the-"

"Silence, you fool!" he snapped. "We're being watched!"

"By whom?" I asked, but he shushed me again.

A few paces down this strange corridor, we stopped in front of a round door, and he put on a metal glove, pointing a digit at its lock. It let out a low hum, and the door popped open.

"A sonic claw!" I exclaimed.

"Shush!"

And then we were standing in an access corridor cluttered with maintenance tools and equipment.

"Those shapeshifting Zygoats are expecting us to be at The Park. We must access the passage by this less monitored route."

He opened a gate at the end of the corridor, and we were looking out across a long metal beam hundreds of feet above the ground.

All around, I could see nothing much in the way of purchase, only massive skyscrapers in the shape of drumsticks and leg bones, decorated with windows and slight concrete ridges.

"The Zygoats!" I cried as he pulled me out across the beam. "Of course! That's who stole the Frisbee of Forever!"

"I'm afraid it's more complicated than that," the Mauser said with a reluctant frown.

I gawked in astonishment as he dug a large glowing Frisbee out of his vest.

"You see, I summoned the Zygoats to assist me in the Frisbee's retrieval. It was thanks to their regression gas that everyone around here is acting so strangely. Imagine my dismay when the object failed to respond to me."

"Its powers can only be wielded by a Time Dog," I said. "That's why I was imprisoned."

"Not exactly," he said. "It was only a ruse. An illusion I created to give the appearance of it working. To get the true Time Dog to provide the correct activation."

Out in the wind and the cool air, my head got clearer, and I felt more like myself. "You're mad, Mauser. I will never help you."

"Oh yeah?" he mocked, casually flinging the Frisbee off the side. "Then fetch!"

Without thinking, I leapt after it, a suicidal dive with nothing but a plaza full of statuary and concrete plant boxes to break my fall.

The Mauser let out a cackling evil laugh, but it turned to a cry of horror when he realized he was still holding on to my leash.

He flew off the edge with a scream.


End file.
